HollywoodIdiocy.com

GOP presidential hopeful Fred Thompson, of Law and Order fame, as well as Die Hard 2: Die Harder fame, a former Republican senator from Tennessee, will apparently make his candidacy official today at a rally and announce it to the world on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno next Wednesday, according to the latest wire reports.

Now, I kinda like Thompson, but following in the footsteps of RINO turncoat Arnold Schwarzenegger isn’t exactly the way to assure conservatives that they finally have a dog in this presidential fight.

Governor Terminator is all padded panty when it comes to sticking to conservative values; let’s hope his choice of venue to announce his candidacy is the only way he plans on following in the Kindergarten Cop’s footsteps.

Death-metal star and budding film director Rob Zombie somehow hornswaggled someone into letting him remake a film that needs no remake: director John Carpenter’s 1978 classic, Halloween.

The original starred Jamie Lee Curtis and Donald Pleasance, and although it set the formula for all the pale imitator slasher films that came after it, Carpenter’s original film had more in common with Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho than it did Rob Zombie’s House of 1,000 Corpses.

Oh well; looks like dreck will rule the day once Zombie’s pale imitator hits theaters this weekend. And launching in late August? What’s up with that? Everyone knows the best Halloween movies have debuted in early October.

But I guess Hollyweird considers it a good business opportunity, in much the same way as the unnecessary remake of another John Carpenter/Jamie Lee Curtis collaboration, “The Fog,” was a few years ago.

Chinese director Ang Lee apparently wants to tick off movie-goers in his homeland as well as America. The Asian director’s new movie, Lust/Caution, marks his return to Chinese-language films after such English-language fair as HULK and the gay cowboy film, Brokeback Mountain.

Yet it’s not homosexuality he’s using to test the taboos of his native land, but a story about a woman who uses sex to ensnare a traitorous political figure into an assassination plot.

So, clearly, it’s a family film. Not.

Someone get Lee some new office furniture. Clearly, his feng shui is all out of whack.

Don’t drink and drive.

But if you’re going to, make sure you’re a brainless blonde bombshell with some starring roles in silly movies. Then, well… aww, you’re so cute! How could we lock you up?

That’s pretty much the message. After Paris Hilton courageously blazed the trail through the county hoos-gow, getting jailed for DUI is all the rage in Hollywood, especially with the criminally-shortened prison terms most of these twits are serving.

After Hilton made a scene uglier than a colon cleanse over a meager 40 day sentence - of which she served only a fraction, and with a nice, comfy break in between, over her sentence, now all the other bombshells are getting away with endangering life and limb of other drivers with even less time served.

My Way News is reporting that Lindsey Lohan served only one day of her sentence in county lockup out in Beverly Hills. Heck, some photo ops last longer.

And expectant mother Nicole Richie served even less!

At this point, Hollywood’s sense of celebrity crime and punishment is about on par with how Andy Griffith handled the town drunk on the Andy Griffith Show, trusting him to let himself in and out as he needed to.

Truly an example of Hollywood Idiocy.

TV’s Alyssa Milano has led a rather CHARMED TV career. From the time she was a young girl, she’s been on long-running hit shows. The Tony Danza-Judith Light vehicle, Who’s the Boss?, led her through her childhood, and the Aaron Spelling-created CHARMED matured her into adulthood for eight seasons, with virtually no bad breaks or poor career moves.

Reinventing the Wheelers has changed that run of blessing and good fortune. The pilot has not even been ordered to series at this late date, and may never air. In the show, Milano plays a big-city lawyer who returns to a slower pace of life to help prop up her father’s firm. Like, by adding contemporary office furniture as well as her own legal services to dad’s practice.

And all her “wacky friends” live there.

It’s a dry, by-the-numbers schtick we’ve seen many times before, and better-done. While Milano still engenders good will, if Reinventing the Wheelers never airs, it may be the best post-CHARMED thing to happen to her career, period.

With four shows in the Top 10 this past week, it seems America’s catching up to my eclectic summer viewing tastes, if only a bit. More specifically, USA Network rocks!

The four shows USA had in the Top 10 have all been personal faves for a while now. The ol’ reliable standby, MONK, is still strong even though showing signs of age as a concept.

Completely fresh and addictive in its second season, PSYCH is the perfect companion piece to MONK, with a talented, appealing cast. Shows like this make me wish USA offered longer seasons to these hits.

BURN NOTICE has a slightly grittier edge but still dwells in the same space of action-comedy-mystery that MONK and PSYCH occupy.

And WWE RAW is great, mindless summer fare. It’s also the place where you might see the most creative use of a safety utility knife.

I’m a bit disappointed that viewers seem to be abandoning THE 4400, which is smart science fiction; however, I’m surprised THE DEAD ZONE is still hanging around, considering how terrible Anthony Michael Hall is in filling in for Christopher Walken, who breathed first cinematic life into the role for the Stephen King-inspired character.

Okay, so the announcements were printed up wrong. What I meant to say is, Veronica Mars star Kristen Bell is a real Hero!

As in, the former teen sleuth is about to star in a multiple-chapter arc of Heroes, NBC’s hit drama from last year. ‘Ronnie will play a character who commits a terrible crime, but may or may not be “one of the good guys,” according to Hereos creator Tim Kring.

We at Hollywood Idiocy begrudgingly love HEROES, but would promise to be less begrudging if Kring would find roles for his ex-Crossing Jordan stars like personal favorites Jill Hennessy, Miguel Ferrer and Kathryn Hahn.

We’re just saying…

Reality show host Ryan Seacrest will get his shot at hosting the Emmy Awards this year. His gig comes in the wake of Conan O’Brien’s hosting job, which was expected to be brilliant but fizzled miserably.

Known as the master of the timely commercial break, Seacrest emerged into national consciousness when he became the host of American Idol, the Simon Cowell-created music talent competition. Seacrest bloomed in the limelight created by the runaway reality TV hit largely because he was already an experience radio broadcaster familiar with the music business.

It’s impossible to say whether Seacrest can come across as well as Billy Crystal does at the Oscars, but if he does, it could open up yet another broadcasting gig for the effusive workaholic. Look for him in front of the crystal sets and tablecloth sea. He’ll be the one wearing the most genuine smile in the room.

The upcoming celebrity edition of Donald Trump’s The Apprentice could become watchable if a few more casting decisions turn out well. Already the NBC reality show, rescued from the scrap heap by new entertainment president Ben Silverman, has a somewhat decent cast lined up.

It includes, naturally, season one bad-girl Omarosa, as well as Jim Cramer, Carmen Electra, Joan Rivers, Naomi Judd, George Foreman, Kimora Lee Simmons, Pete Rose, Dana Patrick, Tony Hawk and Jeff Gordon.

However, three celebs who are still in negotiations could make the upcoming season a ratings home run. They are Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan. Just seeing who would crack first if they were put on the same team as Omarosa would make it with tuning in.

All I can say, Donald, is don’t let any one of these ditzes - especially Omarosa - anywhere near any company that specializes in life insurance for kids.

Today, walking through a local Cub Foods, a somewhat respectable celebrity tabloid assaulted me with a semi-nude photo of a couple woman and screamed the following headline at me: Britney’s New Lover … and yes, it’s a WOMAN.

Am I supposed to care who a has-been, divorced pop star is sharing bunk beds with? Because I really, really don’t.

Not even close to 30 yet, Britney seems to be following the path of Madonna all too quickly. Justin Timberlake is her Sean Penn, except Justin and Britney had a couple kids.

Speaking of which, a second tabloid screamed to inform me that Britney’s such a bad mom, she’s told both her kids they were “mistakes.” Do I need this gossip in my life? Absolutely not. I mean, it’s not like there’s a voice recorder to prove she’s an abusive ass to her kids like what happened with Alec Baldwin last spring. And heck, at least one of her kids is too young to understand, even if she did say such a thing.

I soon realized, as I scanned the aisle of gossip rags, that it must be National Britney Libel Week for the celebrity scandal sheets; Ms. Spears was featured as a cover story on all of them - and every story was different.

Maybe it’s time she reverse the Laura Ingraham-inspired motto of this site; maybe it’s time Britney sing so that her critics would finally shut up. I don’t care what’s true, I don’t care what’s false, I just want her blonde face out of my sight in my local Cub Foods.

Is that too much to ask?

The newest attempt by Hollywood to puff up the country for a Hillary Clinton presidency - after last year’s bungled attempt, ABC’s Commander In Chief, bombed due to network interference - is to make the next president in Keifer Sutherland’s terrorist playground, Fox’s 24, a woman.

Sure, it’s a bit of old news by now, but apparently the Holly-Libs have themselves worked up in such a lather over a possible President Rodham that she’s opened up a 30-point lead in a recent Sacramento Bee poll that, well, probably only surveyed women. Liberal women. Liberal women who voted for the first president Clinton. And who hate the thought of a black guy named Obama winning anything.

God, I’m not even sure in THAT narrow a demo anyone could find a 30-percent lead for Senator Rodham. Except maybe on the campus of Berkeley. Seriously, among sane people, Def Leppard concert tickets are a hotter item than the thought of a President Rodham.