If any other movie in America had debuted in the ninth spot on the movie charts in its opening week, taking in less than $1.5 million, it would be declared an abject failure and barely a blip on the radar. But since the film is by Hollywood’s second-favorite propagandist (sorry, Mikey, but Al Gore now has the top spot), no one’s willing to admit the floppish nature of Moore’s new anti-everything-not-as-ultra-liberal-as-he-is film, “Sicko.”

Except me, of course.

The sweet bit is this: a long-overdue sequel to the Die Hard franchise, starring America’s favorite patriot and closet conservative, Bruce Willis, came in second, seven spots above Moore and raking in about seven times more than the bespectacled filmmaker.

Of course, these are Friday-only figures, so the jury’s still out, but it’s unlikely “Sicko” will be catching up to “Live Free or Die Hard,” like, ever. And a note to Officer John McClaine: the terrorist behind all those evils you’ve been fighting now for four films goes by the initials M.M., and he’s not that interested in living free, so… you know… do what you must.

Now, before y’all start filling up mailboxes saying I’m advocating anyone’s demise, keep in mind that JOHN MCCLAINE IS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER!

But then, increasingly as time goes on, so is Michael Moore.